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Topic Title: IN LAW FRUSTRATION
Created On Wednesday July 28, 2010 12:53 PM

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Kperna

Posts: 1
Joined: Jul 2010

Wednesday July 28, 2010 12:53 PM

I have always gotten along very well with my in-laws. When my husband, their son, was diagnosed with cancer they vowed that we "would get thru this together". Honestly, they have showed us less support than ever. We have two young children to raise as we struggle w/ treatments, side effects, sleep deprivation, growing lawns, etc. I am so hurt by their neglect. I will never forgive them to be honest.

I have heard of "distances" from friends w/ a cancer diagnosis, but immediate family?

Frustrated and tired.

-------------------------
Kristin P

Posts: 215
Joined: May 2010

Wednesday July 28, 2010 1:35 PM

Dear Kperna,

To answer your question yes, families will distance themselves too. If I had to rely on my family or my wife's family for support there would not be any. We rely on ourselves and our friends. As a caregiver you will find out that life is totally unfair. I don't like it but that is the reality. But part of it is our fault we tend to rely on ourselves too much. If you get a sincere offer of help learn to say "Can you do ....?" People don't read minds and they can't be expected to know what to do. Our friends are learning that helping with my wife doesn't mean anything disgusting or technical if they can drive her places it's great, I can do the icky and technical parts.

Also the parents are dealing with their own emotions especially in terminal situations and may have their own problems to deal with. It might would be a good idea to talk to them about this. But keep the discussion very calm you want to get some help not destroy the relationship.

Dave

Posts: 64
Joined: Apr 2010

Wednesday July 28, 2010 2:51 PM

We care for DH's mom. His family is the same as TiredDave's family. If we had to rely on them, nothing would get done. They all live two hours away, but the only visitor or caller we've had is her son, and he visits and calls as little as possible. My husband is furious at his family, and also will never forgive them for "dumping" MIL on us and not helping. It's to the point where when MIL dies, he is dropping his family name and taking my family name. (I never changed my last name when I married.)

I don't know why they do this...maybe they're scared of the illness and don't know what to say or do.

We've tried the "can you do" thing and have gotten nothing but hot air and excuses. The truth is that they want nothing to do with her now that she's gone. They'd all rather (yes, even her own blood) hang around with the man who divorced her and left her with NOTHING after she got sick. They all knew he was cheating on her and didn't even tell her. That's how wonderful her family is. Her brother even works for her ex-husband. They are truly pathetic people.

Posts: 301
Joined: Sep 2008

Wednesday July 28, 2010 2:55 PM

I know I have mentioned this before but, David said when he dies I am forbidden to call his ex-wife or his 3 grown children! He says they can read it in the paper. He loved his children dearly and is terribly hurt by their neglect. He has grandchildren he has never seen and they live 30 miles away. JERKS.........they will be crying like babies when he dies and it will be too late. Pam.

Posts: 46
Joined: Jul 2010

Thursday July 29, 2010 12:25 PM

My partner has terminal cancer. When he was first diagnosed, I heard a lot of the same things. And I have had the same experience. His mom tried blaming me- that she felt like she COULDN'T call. I stopped that one right away.

It has taken most of a year but they are slowly coming to a point where they understand that the cancer is terminal and that he will do exactly what HE wants to do.

Other friends have a similar reaction. There is something about cancer on it's face that makes people feel differently, I think. And because it's lung cancer, there is a fair amount of blame too. People have gone so far as to tell me that he brought it on himself for being a smoker.

I found that being VERY direct with his family was helpful. We made a point of sharing his end of life decisions with them and it did seem to help some. Perhaps a direct conversation telling them what your needs are TODAY and exactly how they can help wold be good.

I will keep you in my prayers.

Posts: 374
Joined: Jul 2009

Friday July 30, 2010 6:53 PM

Kristen,

If it helps, the distancing does not happen with cancer diagnoses alone. My SIL (mental health problems) was to live w/DH and me for 2 months while her other brother's wife received treatment for breast cancer. That was 11 years ago.

I have been told by their adult children to not talk to their dad about his sis. "They are happy to have their aunt gone and their father back in their lives." (SIL lived w/them for only 5 yrs.) For the first few years SIL used to go visit the other family for two weeks around Thanksgiving. For the past 4 years it has been one excuse after another.

Keep posting here. If no one else, the members of this forum are here for you.

Colette
xoxoxo

-------------------------
Family Caregivers are not paid because they are worthless; Family Caregivers are PRICELESS!
(paraphrased & source unknown)

Posts: 1612
Joined: Jun 2009

Friday July 30, 2010 10:43 PM

Hi, Kristin,

Please accept my belated welcome to the forum. Sorry that somehow I missed your thread. My personal experience, not related to cancer, is a mixed bag. I know someone who did not go to see her own son in the hospital for back surgery, because she is scared of hospitals. I also know someone who did not go to see his brother when his brother only had a few more days to loe, because he is afraid of death.

About in-laws, I really consider myself fortunate. Actually I did not hae very good relationships with my in-laws throughout the years. We all loe far apart and do not hae much interaction. But since my wife was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease, her sisters hae been ery supportive even at long distance. One of her sisters email her every day to make sure that she stays actie and I do take care of myself. Almost 3 years ago, she flew in from California to relieve me for 3 days so that I can go to see my mother for the last time. One of her sister has been visiting us for a week every year. She and her husband help me cleaning the house and doing projects that I would not be able to do otherwise. They tell me how much they appreciate me for taking good care of their sister.

Eeryone reacts to situations differently. But it is sad that most people are scared of cancer and have a tendency to distance themseles from the ones having cancer. The ironic part is that of course cancer is not even contagious. I certainly agree with Tigger's suggestion to have a direct conversation with his parents.

Best Regards,

Min-Shih

Posts: 1
Joined: Jul 2010

Saturday August 14, 2010 10:07 AM

I continue to be challenged by this situation. I am not sure how to behave to them these days, so I remain distant and ressentful. I am being honest with myself about them I guess. Again, really hard to forgive. Glad to not be alone in this. I thank you all for listening and understanding.

-------------------------
Kristin P

Posts: 38
Joined: Jul 2010

Saturday August 14, 2010 6:02 PM

Hello, Kristen and welcome!

I have been my daughters's dad's caregiver for the past few months. If you check my blog "Dealing with the Ex" you will see what I have gone through. As to the in-laws, his sister and brothers have not been much help lately. His sister only calls his cell phone and will not talk to me. I have to take him to the doctor or to the hospital as my daughters have to work. Our oldest is the main next of kin and has Durable Medical Power of Attorney with her sister next and then his sister.

I just got out of the hospital and it was nice that he took his daughter's car and came to pick me up. However, it would be nice to hear from his sister and brothers or even his nieces and nephews. FAT CHANCE!!!!

They do not want to hear anything about what is happening, but if you don't tell them, then they will get mad at you.

I hope that you have your family and friends to support you through what you are going through. For us, this is terminal cancer that we found out just after our baby girl's wedding while they were on their honeymoon.

Ask the social worker at the hospital or your doctor for assistance. If the doctors are not doing everything possible in your book or are rude or cold, FIND ANOTHER!! We did!

Ask your family or friends [ones you really trust] to take the children so you can get some rest or just to be alone to think or get important things done. If you have a church or other place of worship, ask your pastor or rabbi to help.

I hope this helps as it will get worse over time. Keep trying to communicate with them as gently as possible. Ask if they would like to take their grandchildren for a while.

Good luck with everything.

JJ

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