The Family Caregiver Forum
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Welcome to the NFCA's Family Caregiver Forum - a place where all family caregivers can post questions, receive support and communicate with others.
myonly
Posts: 311
Joined: Apr 2010
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Tuesday July 06, 2010 7:17 PM
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Right now I am so angry I am breathing fire. It seems that if I don't accompany my husband to the bank every month for the withdrawal of his disability check, the money somehow finds its way elsewhere instead of paying the bills it's supposed to cover. He tells me that he has "debts, but don't worry - they're all paid now," as if I'm supposed to be overjoyed that he has no money to cover the current bills that part of that money is allotted to cover! He won't tell me who he owed these supposed debts to, or why.
It is a good thing that he is going out now on his scooter, because I am afraid I would come close to putting a hand on him if he stayed here in the house right now. I am absolutely furious. This happens every few months, and I'm really getting tired of trying to pull together all my resources to cover these "events". We've had the "I really depend on you to cover these bills and take care of your family" talk about 100 times. I am starting to wonder if he does this to get back at me for taking the respite retreat, or the other few times I get out for some self-care.
Since the check is direct-deposited to his bank account, I cannot touch it. I cannot always accompany him to the bank (because I'm at work), although I try to if at all possible. This whole situation is making me a basket-case!! I feel powerless to affect any change, short of locking him out of the house. It would figure that it's 101 degrees out here in Philly...
I just needed to write this down. I don't feel better, though. Still extremely steamed. Any advice would be welcome. I'm lost.
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myonly
Posts: 311
Joined: Apr 2010
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Tuesday July 06, 2010 7:45 PM
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Oh, I almost forgot - the icing on the cake is, he is the "victim" here, in the eyes of his family!!! I was so hot that I told him to call his family members, since they do absolutely ZERO to help me/us, and ask them if they can send some money to help cover the money he frittered away this month. I walked into the den while he's on the phone, and he's singing his song of woe, how his wife is "making him" call to ask for money. I took the phone in the kitchen and listened in then, and his sister is telling him that he can go to a nearby shelter where he'll "be safe - and let me know what happens!" Oh brother! Like any of them even give a rat's butt.
I could just scream, but the kids are already upset enough. They know something's wrong. I hate trying to act calm/cool/collected when I could just blow my stack!
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colette
Posts: 360
Joined: Jul 2009
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Tuesday July 06, 2010 8:45 PM
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Gab,
Just saw the "icing on the cake." Had I been on the extension, I would have told SIL the whole story.
What does he receive this check for, disability? If so, you might want to go to the Social Security office near you talk to an agent who might be better to advise you. I am thinking of you becoming his Representative Payee if you can show he cannot handle his finances.
<thinking, thinking, thinking, LIGHT BULB> If it is possible to change the account that check is deposited to, you need to do it before the 16th of the month. Also, if you carry Durable Power of Attorney and that can "kick in," take a copy of it to the SS office to prove that you are in charge of his finances.
I need to get to the SS office to show them my SIL has given me Medical Power of Attorney (to give to Medicare) and Durable Power of Attorney even though she appointed me her Representative Payee years ago.
Keep posting. I am smiling only because you are saying what I have been too timid to say about my feelings. (Are you my mom reincarnated? You sure sound like Mom!)
Colette
xoxoxo
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Family Caregivers are not paid because they are worthless; Family Caregivers are PRICELESS!
(paraphrased & source unknown)
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myonly
Posts: 311
Joined: Apr 2010
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Tuesday July 06, 2010 11:29 PM
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Thank you for responding. I just went on a 60 minute walk (a very brisk one at that) just to get out my frustration...which is a big improvement, considering that only a few months before, I would have sat down at the kitchen table and devoured the 1 1/2 pints of ice cream in the freezer. I guess that's a silver lining of some sort?
His check is a disability check, and it's direct-deposited into our once-joint account, that he had taken my name off of months before so that I could not access it online (as I'd previously done, to pay the bills!). He withdraws the entire amount of his check, IN CASH, and putts down the road on his scooter with a wad of money in his wallet (the hazards of which I won't even go into now!). And yes, he has been mugged before (in broad daylight!) while carrying this amount of money on him. Does that ever cause him to change his routine?! Of course not.
By the time I get home from work (5:30 pm), the money has disappeared. All of it. He has receipts for the utilities (sometimes) he paid, but there is no accounting for the remainder of the money. Like I said, this doesn't happen every month - some months he does give me money to help with groceries, gas, and the kids' day camp and expenses. But when he doesn't have the money, he doesn't have it - none of it.
Now I know that he and the caregiver eat out quite a bit, and I've talked to them both about this. DH insists that the caregiver pays the tab, but I know better. She's not going to take him out to eat for breakfast and lunch (sometimes just one meal, but often BOTH!) and pick up the bill each time. It wouldn't pay her to work, otherwise! I have plenty of food in the house, it's not like it's Mother Hubbard's bare cupboards here. He just does what he darn well pleases and consequences be dam*ed. So part of this "debt" could be fast-food/restaurant tabs. He seems to feel he's entitled. And it's been the same with all the caregivers, no matter who we've had - they're more than happy to eat out for every meal, with him. I wonder if he's picking up the tab for both of them!!?
The problem, too, is that the home health aide services are designated as "client driven". The care recipient is the one in the driver's seat, and they make the decisions. So much for empowering the irresponsible, in my case...
Sorry to dump. I feel like I'm on a more even keel now, although I need to call SS and see if I have any recourse. Other than that, I guess I'll just have to shake my fist at the heavens. But I'm letting his beard grow and refusing to shave him until he stops this nonsense. He can look like the lead guitarist on ZZ Top as far as I'm concerned. Birds can nest in his beard if they want. Let him sweat it out...
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colette
Posts: 360
Joined: Jul 2009
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Wednesday July 07, 2010 12:33 AM
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Gaby,
Do not worry about dumping. How many times did I do the same thing last summer?
SS may be your best bet. SSDI and SSI are to be used (paraphrasing) "for the recipient's living needs" -- food (his), housing (rent or mortgage), clothing, medical, utilities, etc. My SIL is on SSI and SS retirement. Every year as her Representative Payee I have to fill out a form stating how her checks were used. The two categories are rent and other (medical, clothing, entertainment, etc). If you can show he is misusing his disability check, I think SS might put you in charge of his check.
So far you have noted that:
He took you off a joint account so that he had complete control over his disability check.
He pulls the money out at one time in cash & carries the amount on his person. (And he has been mugged how many times?)
You know that DH and caregiver eat out quite a bit. (We both know who is paying for the meals.)
It is a rarity that he produces receipts for any legitimate expenses such as utilities or gives you cash to help out with other household expenses.
I did the following to point out to SIL how much she owed me for rent. I keep receipts in case my BIL in Phillie decides to challenge me. There are 4 ADULTS living in this house, so SIL's contribution was 1/4 or 25%. Make the division by the # of adults in the your household. Children cannot be counted.
________________________
Food = $5/meal (Since eating at home costs less, this includes when the family eats out.)
Electricity = ? % of the current month's bill (My home is entirely electric.)
Water = ?% of current month's bill
Exterminator = ?% of bill
You may have natural gas, esp for the winter months. Include that when necessary.
All of the above = SIL's monthly share of the home expenses.
OTHER "ADD-INS"
Transportation on SIL errands (doctor, hairstylist, clothes shopping, etc) = cost of gas (I fill up at the gas station down the street. Coming back from SIL related errands, I refill the tank at the same station. The 2nd fill up is what she owes me.)
Clothing = SIL has gained 20 lbs (89 to 109 lbs) since last summer, a good thing. This is her expense completely.
Prescriptions = all hers. Medicaid pays for her scripts. She might pay $3.30/script.
Medical = all hers after Medicare & Medicaid have paid.
Home repairs that benefit SIL (like the A/C repair) =1/4 cost
__________________________________
I do not know if any of this helps. It could give you an idea of what to tell Hubby to "pony up" for the previous month when he pulls his money out.
You said you went for a "brisk" 60 min walk. I still prefer eating 1 pt of Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia w/diet coke (to even out the calories) while sitting in front of the TV. I think you have found the silver lining. For me it would be nice to have a walking partner.
Let us know what happens.
Colette
xoxoxo
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Family Caregivers are not paid because they are worthless; Family Caregivers are PRICELESS!
(paraphrased & source unknown)
Edited: Wednesday July 07, 2010 at 2:32 AM by colette
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Star1
Posts: 299
Joined: Sep 2008
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Wednesday July 07, 2010 10:40 AM
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Of all the things hubby can find to argue with me about, the money issue drives me the most crazy! It's been a constant source of stress for me. I quit a high paying job to stay home and take care of him and he never lets me forget that the only money coming in is "his". I contribute NOTHING, as he has told me many times! His income has paid for the bills and the house so, I should have nothing to say about it when he wants something. [Never mind that I owned this house by myself and paid for it by myself before I even met him!] [What does he want??, well how about a boat!!] He has been harping about buying a boat for 16 years, we argue about it all the time. He can't walk, he can't take care of himself, he can't drive, we have a small car, and I have motion sickness, but, he can't understand why I won't let him look for a boat!! Also, this is the same guy who doesn't have the strength to hold a hand gun but, wants his aids to load one for him so he can go 'shoot.' He is mentally incapacitated by order of the court and he can't figure out why he can't have a handgun, or a boat. The arguements about this stuff are so stupid they are almost laughable.
One of the things he never can understand is that I am his court appointed legal guardian and I am responsible for all the income and I am responsible to keep him safe. I have to file a report to the court every December saying where the money went!
Try to see if you can get control of the money [I don't know how you can do that] so you can get some peace of mind. Pam.
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myonly
Posts: 311
Joined: Apr 2010
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Wednesday July 07, 2010 11:09 PM
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Dearest friends,
After last night's drama and upset, I felt like my head was going to just open up at the top and blow to release all the pressure. Curiously, though, tonight, I feel much more peaceful and centered. I also have a deep sense that everything is going to be fine, and will work out as it should. It helps, I'm sure, that I'm reading a book about one woman's spiritual journey (Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert) through Italy, India, and Indonesia. I'm at a point where she's discussing her experiences at an Ashram in India, and the various approaches and techniques of yoga. It seemed to bring me right down out of my rage and into a clearer perspective of my reality, divorced from all the emotion. I feel like I can launch into tomorrow in a much better state of mind.
I still have not talked to DH today, except to call him for dinner. He asked me tonight if I was planning on shaving him tonight, or perhaps tomorrow, and I simply told him "No." That's about as simple and direct as I can be. And when I don't launch into my "dissertations" (as my co-worker calls them), I find that I stay much more grounded and focused on what I need to do and what is bothering me. I simply move it out of my way and proceed on, without all the chaos. If I could only live each minute this way!!
I realized tonight, just now while I was washing up the pots and pans from dinner, that I allow the craziness to whirl down my street and sweep me up in it. Daily. I let the chaos BECOME me, instead of seeing it as something outside myself, something that I can choose to engage in or not. I am not living MY life, I am letting my surroundings and those around me (in particular, my husband) dictate my actions. I am constantly responding on a heightened emotional level, and throwing all rational thought out the window. I need to get a grip. I don't know why I run around like a crazy woman half the time, thinking everything has to be done quickly/correctly/efficiently/perfectly the first time. Like Dr. Phil says, this is definitely "not working for me!" and I'm going to drive myself into the ground like a hammer does a railroad tie, then forever have the train riding over me. Not where I want to be.
So...I'm going to try to make some changes, beginning with my thinking. I need to value myself more and live what I believe. Talk is cheap, as they say. I want my beliefs and my behavior to synchronize, not create all this noise and confusion and grief. And I definitely have to give up this guilt and anxiety that seem to follow me around like twin beggars.
Thanks for listening. Good night to you all.
Gabriele
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Star1
Posts: 299
Joined: Sep 2008
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Friday July 09, 2010 9:17 AM
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I live in Northwestern PA, 30 miles South of Lake Erie. It is so hot and humid it almost makes you feel sick. The other day it was 94 here and with the humidity it was unbearable. I had to run a few errands and when I got back hubby and his aid were gone in her car. I figured maybe they went to Walmart or someplace airconditioned. They came home at 4PM and his aid, Ashley, who is 8 months pregnant, was beet red!! I asked where they were and she said he wanted to go to a few yard sales, and the indoor flea market [no airconditioning there!] I was furious, he is so stinking inconsiderate and I yelled at both of them!! I yelled at her for putting her baby in jeopardy and for not telling him, NO. No way she should be out pushing his 225 pound butt around on a 94 degree day! And I yelled at him for being such an ass. He has no consideration for anyone, believe me, I know, and if you don't put your foot down to him he will run you until you keel over on the spot. If you fell down with heat stroke he would look at you and ask how long you were going to lay there!
Myonly..........I am a reactor, too. I tend to be very emotional and David knows just how to push my buttons. He will say the most ridiculous things [like buying a boat] and then bait me until I blow up, then, he says 'why are you so emotional?' Sometimes I really dislike him! Pam.
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myonly
Posts: 311
Joined: Apr 2010
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Saturday July 10, 2010 11:29 PM
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I think I mentioned somewhere that I was headed up to Boy Scout camp last night to sleep over, then bring some of the scouts home today. I was looking forward to the trip, and to some time outside the house and work, to clear my mind. It was a beautiful night for driving, too. Until I hit a deer head-on.
We were only a mile from the entrance to the camp, when suddenly a full-grown female white-tailed deer jumped out from the brush and right into the path of our van. I slammed on the breaks, but there was no avoiding the collision. It happened in a split second, and we all sat there, stunned. I had the two youngest boys with me, and the youngest started crying - it was the first time he'd seen a real deer up-close, and his mom killed it. I thought of you, Min-Shih, and your respect for all creatures.
Well, she lay there in the middle of the road, still alive. She was big, and still kicking, and I didn't know what to do. I could tell her two back legs were broken, and she must have had massive internal injuries from the impact. I called 9-1-1 on my cell phone, and the police said it was a non-reportable accident. They would send someone, though, to move the deer and put her out of her suffering. Well, in that minute, the guy in the pick-up behind us, jumped out with his gloves and bowie knife, and dragged her to the side of the road. He took care of things, I assume, and got some venison steaks in the bargain. I drove on to camp before the boys could see what was going to happen.
So now I've got a smashed-in front grille and hood. I have to call the insurance company and get things started from that standpoint. Thank God the van was driveable, and we made it home fine today. A lot got smashed back, but luckily, the radiator, oil tank, and engine were in tact and not affected - no leaks, no destruction of the cooling fans, so we were blessed. I still feel in shock from that accident last night - I fell asleep in our tent, apologizing to the deer and praying for the safety of the animals whose homes we regularly invade with our roads and highways.
I asked God why this had to happen when I was trying to grab a few hours of respite from my situation. He has His answers, I know, and I may or may not discover them in time. But I still trust. I'm just sad.
Gabriele
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rzxq2y
Posts: 1603
Joined: Jun 2009
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Sunday July 11, 2010 10:03 AM
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Hi, Gabriele,
Oh dear, Gaby, your two young children, and the deer, what a terrible accident. Someone high above must be protecting you that no one in the car were hurt and your car is still drivable. Car-deer accidents are often not avoidable and can be much worse. You must have reacted pretty fast and slowed down the car a lot. Sorry to know that it was the first time your youngest son saw a deer up close and it was killed in the accident. How sad! Yes, I do feel sad for the deer, but I fell terrible for you. On top of everything you have to deal with, now you have to deal with the insurance company and get the van repaired. Body shop work takes a long time, so that must be making everything more inconvenient for you.
It is very quick thinking and considerate of you not letting your boys see what the driver of the pickup was going to do to the deer. At least he did put the deer out of misery, but probably not in a very nice way. I do not know what the law in Pennsylvania is. But in Michigan it is not allowed to take road kills, unless it is during hunting season and the person has a hunting license.
I cannot intentionally kill anything, for most of the time. However, I am not a vegetarian, what an oxymoron! It is one of those things I cannot quite resolve in my own mind. I can live on vegetarian food alone, but my wife cannot. Also admittedly I do cook live crabs and occasionally live lobsters for my wife. I do not feel bad about killing crabs, since they are killing machines themselves, but I do feel bad cooking live lobsters. I only cook for my wife, and do not eat them myself.
Ok, too much rambling about myself. Sorry about your lost respite and added headache. I hope that you will get the insurance settled, and get your van fixed.
Best Regards,
Min-Shih
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The only way my wife understands is when I get really mad and she starts to worry. Yes I know it sounds terrible but we have bills to pay. Our projects got done this weekend too but it was a very expensive weekend. I needed a carpenter to help with the door and he needs to get paid. 
) I know I could not do w/o A/C down here where the temp is 90 with a "feels like" temp of 101.
(The rain will help cool you off, also.)
